Last month, I finally made progress on a habit I’ve been trying to incorporate into my life.
Well, I say, “trying” but I started out with a whimper…
I’ve been using Obsidian to keep track of my daily to-dos since about April 2026. And in June, after getting the hang of the program, I attempted to log my daily tarot pulls.
I used to pull sporadically, and maybe here or there logged a thought or two in my physical journal. It wasn’t until this year when I realized that having a searchable log could better help me identify some patterns in my personal readings.
This year, my word has been simplicity.
Simplicity is the reason I started using Obsidian in the first place. And the reason I’ve had the mental bandwidth to actually consider this at all.
So, in an attempt to keep things simple, I started a single log with a numbered list and wrote down the cards I pulled with one sentence or two of exposition. A Meditations style log of each pull and what I thought. Brilliant idea, right?!
But it didn’t stick.
The execution was poor.
I didn’t have a dedicated space for my personal tarot pulls. I was just going to grab a deck—that might already be in use—and then finding a place clean enough to sit the cards down to shuffle. And then what if I needed the deck for a client reading? Then it was awkward.
Then there was the task of when to do the pulls. I felt like my mornings were already full and if I waited until the evening then there was the possibility that I would be too mentally drained to actively participate.
But I knew this habit would be so good for me.
So, I decided to give it another try—maybe if I tweaked things I’d be able to simplify the practice so much that it’d be effortless.
After reworking a few things, moving my cards to a little tray on my desk and adding a line item in my daily to-dos to pull and write, things finally started coming together.
I’m happy to say that I only missed seven days in this month’s log, simply marked with dashes so the numbered list could continue properly. That’s such an improvement from not even logging August pulls, logging 1 July pull, and 6 June pulls. Progress.
Let me share the findings with you.
I opened this month with the Seven of Wands and the Six of Swords.
“It’s time for me to stop wasting so much of my time defending my choices. What I’m doing requires no unnecessary explanation. I don’t need to justify myself to anyone; just trust that I’m standing on business and moving in the right direction (because I am)”
I proceeded to remind myself of this lesson time and time again until I realized that I was no longer providing extraneous explanation to others, but was instead preemptively preparing the explanations just in case.
One problem solved. Only for another to reveal itself.
What I kept circling around the root of the problem, until literally the end of the month. I read Joan Didion’s essay On Self Respect.
Everything changed. Again.
Because I had read it before but didn’t actually remember any of the lessons. Whoops.
But this time, I had the benefit of having Obsidian and a habit already in place to catalog the parts of essays that I feel need to be remembered. So, at any time in a reading, or essay, I could return to the things that inspired me and have a few points of reference ready to go.
Didion writes,
“To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, the Phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice, or carelessness.”
And…
“People with self-respect have the courage of their mistakes. They know the price of things. If they choose to commit adultery, they do not then go running, in an excess of bad conscience, to receive absolution from the wronged parties; nor do they complain unduly of the unfairness, the undeserved embarrassment, of being named co-respondent.”
I wrote recently about having the courage to stand on business. To double down when you know what you’re doing is right for you—without any additional explanation.
The thing I noticed this month and last month, no one actually cares. No one will actually push back on your “no” that’s been provided without any additional explanation. Especially when you’re gracious about it.
The voices in my head pre-explaining are wasting their time.
They’re causing me anxiety where there is no anxious moment to be had.
Because maybe the issue isn’t the lack of a “no,” it’s a lack of self-respect. Of being willing to make a choice and accept the consequences regardless of whether they’re good or bad—because they go with a choice I wanted to make. A choice that was best for me.
“the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life – is the source from which self-respect springs” – Joan Didion, On self-respect
The kicker is that self-respect doesn’t require an understanding of “no one actually caring.” Self-respect actually doesn’t involve other people at all. And, the mere fact that I need to explain away—to myself—that others do not care is an indicator of a lack of it.
The courage to be oneself, regardless of the consequences, is the key to self-respect.
“Reputation, which, as Rhett Butler told Scarlett O’Hara, is something people with courage can do without.” – Joan Didion, On self-respect
On the 27th of September I pulled the Two of Wands, rx, and the Two of Pentacles, rx. “Don’t let your fear of failure cause you to fold under pressure.”
- Fear of failure.
- Fear of being judged.
- Fear of consequences.
These fears, while normal, aren’t actually productive.
The ability to build big things, to release creative work into the world, and to move more confidently through life, require courage. The courage to move forward regardless of the fear that is present.
So, next month I want to work on that.
Building the courage to “no longer be a passenger in my own life,” as posted on September 20th. I want to boldly stand behind my decisions and my big ideas.
Tangibly, that looks like posting my work publicly for others to see—without explanation, or caveats. It also looks like following through in little things—starting the dishwasher at 7 so I can unload it at 9 regardless of whether others don’t get a chance to put their dishes in. Or, removing the pressure from myself to perform work when I finished the day’s tasks hours ago.
Things like that.
We’ll see how this plays out. I’m hopeful.
Reference
- On self-respect by Joan Didion for Vogue
- Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (Books IV and V are my favorites)
- You don’t double down enough
